Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Beauregard's Revenge

A lot of our readers have asked who this Chickenhead Antonucci is and where did all his writing suddenly come from? Some of you have asked this very rudely with curse words and threats of physical harm. All we can tell you is that a disk with the name "Shikin Hedd Antonuc" written on it was found a couple of weeks ago with short, dated pieces of writing. The last piece, we think, is a suicide note, but wse can't be sure.

Oops. I've said too much.

March 19, 2001

Beauregard (We’ll call him Bo, so we don’t have to keep typing
Beauregard) was an avid Kiss fan. He had hundreds, perhaps thousands, of
CDs, videos, dolls, T-shirts and posters. In fact, because the band members
are the biggest whores in the entertainment industry, you could fill the
White House with all the Kiss merchandise Bo owned.

One day, the three of us, Sid, Jimmy, and myself, were relaxing in the TV
room, watching “Days of Our Lives,” when Bo came stomping in with rope. With
his head practically steaming, he tied each of us to the chairs we were
sitting in.

“Uh, Bo,” I said. “Care to explain?”

“Which of you fascist pigs stole my CD?”

“What CD?” Jimmy asked.

“My Kiss ‘Revenge’ CD, where is it?”

“Jesus, Bo,” I said. “You know we wouldn’t touch any of your Kiss crap,
the reason for which is obvious.”

“You’re lying! Where is it?”

“Dude,” Sid said. “Remember last week when you lost the goldfish? Need I
explain further?”

Bo smacked Sid across the face.

“All right,” I said. “That’s enough. Bo, untie us and we’ll help you find it.”


“Untie me, you melodramatic bastard!”

Bo lit a match and set the chair across from us on fire, threatening to
move it closer to us every minute we don’t tell him the truth. He was
insane. I was able to get the Swiss army knife out of my pocket and
carefully cut myself free. Whenever Bo wasn’t looking, I looked through the
PlayStation 2 CDs on the floor. Finally, I came upon the missing CD.

“Uh, Bo?”

“How did you break free, swine?”

“Dude, your Kiss CD is right here in the Tekken case.”

“Oh,” he said, calming down finally. “I see.”

“I see?” Jimmy said. “That’s it? I see? Put the frigging fire out!”

Bo put the fire out as I untied the others. It was all a big misunderstanding. We went to Outback Steak House that night and had a good laugh about the whole incident.

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